I figured I'd make the title festive in lieu of the Holiday...
Here I sit... My goals in front of my face.. I have already accomplished 2 out of three phases of my plan... and yet I still feel sorrow.. Why...?
I purchased a car! A feat I NEVER thought I would accomplish! My credit is terrible and I had no co-signer! And yet I pulled it off.... I just found a place to park that new car! I received a call from some guys about a house they have for rent and they picked ME! We set up a meeting. Bottom Line, I have a place to LIVE now! I'm just missing the Job... Not a big deal, really..
I have 3 more shifts to work at Parkview. Everything seems to be falling into place at the last second, just as I had predicted... why is that?
And yet I still am not as overjoyed as I should be.
I am starting over.. making a change.. taking a chance. I'm risking everything to make something of myself and the pieces of the puzzle are connecting much quicker and more fluidly than I ever thought possible.. and yet.. I am still not in euphoria...
I finally know why. I am going to miss everyone I care about.. The friends that have taken years upon years to make, the family that has always been with me through my pitfalls and tribulations, the best friends that have always watched out for me...
It's incredibly easy for me to make friends. I can make friends anywhere and everywhere. It's extremely difficult for me to make "best friends". I'm not going to sit here and say it was an easy decision to move away from everyone I care about, but sometimes you need to make a life for yourself. I made this choice and I shall live with it. That does not mean that I will do it cold heartedly. As my time grows short, I realize the sacrifice I am making.
I just pray that those I am leaving understand my motives, understand my need to get out. Understand that I need to better myself and are proud of me for making this leap of faith.
As I sit here weeping for the ties I am severing, I am reminded of the bond I have shared with everyone. Please do not think you are replaceable because you are not.
I am optimistic for the future relationships I will encounter, but Home will always be Home to me...
I have a car... I have a place to live... and yet I am saddened... it's easy to pretend that I can just up and leave.. it's another thing entirely to try to think that way.
I don't mean to be such a Debbie-Downer but thats what this Blog is all about. Raw feelings expressed with no regard to censorship.
In the end, I'm sorry for those I am hurting for leaving...trust me when I say that I love you all and I need to do this.
You can Never be replaced.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
It's scarier when you can see it
Each day it seems that I keep asking myself "How are you not nervous?"
It never fails. Every time someone approaches me and questions the validity of rumors about my plans to relocate, I swell with excited energy as a wave of optimism and euphoria wash over me. I can't stop myself from describing every detail from the obvious daunting challenges, to the whimsical "wing it" attitude. As I lay out my plans or lack there of, I have my audience captivated and pulled in. As I close out my strategy, I am applauded with pride, well wishes, and slight sting of nostalgic regret. I cannot count the numerous times I've heard the phrase "Do it while you're young! ...I should have done it.."
It's phrases like that that empower me to push forward. The truth is, even though I have all of these optimistic, energetic, and hopeful feelings, doubt still lingers. But this is what it is to be human. I'm not a robot who is unable to experience fear. However, I believe that I am far more unafraid than I should be. Bottom line, I have no job, no housing, and no car. Any normal person would be stricken with fear. Why aren't I? Which brings us back, full circle.
All my life my father would always say "Do you have a plan?". Till no end he believes that having a plan and following through with said plan was the ultimate insurance policy. If you have it all planned out there is no room for guesswork or error, right? When it comes to planning, my father and my brother are polar opposites. My father is Captain Plans-o-lot where is my brother is Wing-it-extraordinaire. Ironically, both have been successful. I however, fall somewhere in between. I enjoy making a plan when possible but if not, then sometimes winging it can be thrilling. It's an adventure not knowing what will happen. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being in control of my environment and surroundings, but sometimes it's fun to let go and see what happens.
Here I am, making the biggest decision of my life and of all things, I'm winging it. Lets just say my dad isn't too happy about HOW I'm going about it. He loves the idea of me making something for myself but thinks I'm not being smart about it. Sometimes you just gotta let go and see what happens. It takes courage to let loose and do something life changing. I think it takes balls to do this, and not know how you're going to pull it off, though. haha.
I can see the day I leave. I can picture it. I can mentally run through the days in my head until I see the day I'm gone. This is what makes me nervous. Before, it was far away in the distance. A date set into the future that would one day be obtainable. All the time in the world. It was a jolting realization the other day when I thought it through and could literally map the calendar mentally. Holy crap... I only have 2 weeks left... and I have nothing to show for anything I've planned for so far...
So much nervous energy flowing through me all the time now. The what if's continually playing through my mind, a new topic every second. I feel as though I'm trying to thread a needle from 10 yards away using a slingshot. I have very little time allotted and such a massive to do list, it's mind boggling. But, for some damn reason I have this blanket of optimism that keeps sweeping over me and reminding me that I shall be alright. It's comforting and suspicious at the same time, a difficult feeling to properly convey accurately.
As usual, ranting is my strong suit. For this, I do not apologize, however. I will continue to work my ass off and get these goals accomplished. It's my belief that everything is going to come down to the last couple days and I will have to crank out one helluva miracle!
But, in the meantime, I will continue to brag and boast about my courageous ambitions. I will accept and become enveloped in the constant praise as it reinforces my decision.
And somewhere underneath it all, the fear lingers...I refuse to let it take hold. The only thing that can stop you, is you.
It never fails. Every time someone approaches me and questions the validity of rumors about my plans to relocate, I swell with excited energy as a wave of optimism and euphoria wash over me. I can't stop myself from describing every detail from the obvious daunting challenges, to the whimsical "wing it" attitude. As I lay out my plans or lack there of, I have my audience captivated and pulled in. As I close out my strategy, I am applauded with pride, well wishes, and slight sting of nostalgic regret. I cannot count the numerous times I've heard the phrase "Do it while you're young! ...I should have done it.."
It's phrases like that that empower me to push forward. The truth is, even though I have all of these optimistic, energetic, and hopeful feelings, doubt still lingers. But this is what it is to be human. I'm not a robot who is unable to experience fear. However, I believe that I am far more unafraid than I should be. Bottom line, I have no job, no housing, and no car. Any normal person would be stricken with fear. Why aren't I? Which brings us back, full circle.
All my life my father would always say "Do you have a plan?". Till no end he believes that having a plan and following through with said plan was the ultimate insurance policy. If you have it all planned out there is no room for guesswork or error, right? When it comes to planning, my father and my brother are polar opposites. My father is Captain Plans-o-lot where is my brother is Wing-it-extraordinaire. Ironically, both have been successful. I however, fall somewhere in between. I enjoy making a plan when possible but if not, then sometimes winging it can be thrilling. It's an adventure not knowing what will happen. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being in control of my environment and surroundings, but sometimes it's fun to let go and see what happens.
Here I am, making the biggest decision of my life and of all things, I'm winging it. Lets just say my dad isn't too happy about HOW I'm going about it. He loves the idea of me making something for myself but thinks I'm not being smart about it. Sometimes you just gotta let go and see what happens. It takes courage to let loose and do something life changing. I think it takes balls to do this, and not know how you're going to pull it off, though. haha.
I can see the day I leave. I can picture it. I can mentally run through the days in my head until I see the day I'm gone. This is what makes me nervous. Before, it was far away in the distance. A date set into the future that would one day be obtainable. All the time in the world. It was a jolting realization the other day when I thought it through and could literally map the calendar mentally. Holy crap... I only have 2 weeks left... and I have nothing to show for anything I've planned for so far...
So much nervous energy flowing through me all the time now. The what if's continually playing through my mind, a new topic every second. I feel as though I'm trying to thread a needle from 10 yards away using a slingshot. I have very little time allotted and such a massive to do list, it's mind boggling. But, for some damn reason I have this blanket of optimism that keeps sweeping over me and reminding me that I shall be alright. It's comforting and suspicious at the same time, a difficult feeling to properly convey accurately.
As usual, ranting is my strong suit. For this, I do not apologize, however. I will continue to work my ass off and get these goals accomplished. It's my belief that everything is going to come down to the last couple days and I will have to crank out one helluva miracle!
But, in the meantime, I will continue to brag and boast about my courageous ambitions. I will accept and become enveloped in the constant praise as it reinforces my decision.
And somewhere underneath it all, the fear lingers...I refuse to let it take hold. The only thing that can stop you, is you.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Devastating the obvious
It's been almost 3 years since my last written blog. I'd say it's about time to come back to my roots and get my words on the net for all to read! The last blog I mentioned was published on Myspace if that tells you anything, lol.
Where do I start? Do I explain who I am? Chances are that if you are reading this then you already know who I am. Should I jump in with everything little minute detail about my life? That might be too overwhelming. I could make several blog posts in a row breaking up events into chapter like sections.
Decisions...decisions... With technology the way it is nowadays everyone pretty much posts their feelings and daily activities via Facebook with little left to blog about. For me, blogging is about expressing myself above and beyond what I CAN and am WILLING to post on Facebook. It also draws me back to my high school days sitting in Study Hall writing stories. I had always dreamed of being a writer. I used to write short stories about epic battles taking place in far away places. It was an adventure for me. I read all the time and my creativity spawned this love for writing. The thing I love most was the fact that if you didn't like something, you could always come up with a way to change the situation around you i.e. the character. He's down on his luck and suddenly wins the lottery! Thats odd... he didn't even buy a ticket.. but thats okay.. it's a story.. and it's accepted.
Essentially, thats what blogging is for me. It's a way to be a little nostalgic and express my story telling abilities. I also use it for serious emotional escape as well. I tagged my blog as "Adult Content" just in case I would happen to fly off the handle and let the obscenities type their way into a blog or two.
Currently my life is in an upheaval. There is so much change going on that I could literally spend hours and pages explaining it all. So, I will try the short short version:
I've decided to dig up my roots and take flight on a new adventure. I'm taking a risk and leaving routine behind. It's time to make something for myself. Time to stop sitting stagnant and rotting. Why stay somewhere that slowly bleeds the life from you? That robs you from your dreams? Well at 25 years of age I've finally said "I have had enough!" Yeah it's a huge risk.. yeah I may fail.. but what if I succeed? Then it will all be worth it.
You never know unless you try...
Where do I start? Do I explain who I am? Chances are that if you are reading this then you already know who I am. Should I jump in with everything little minute detail about my life? That might be too overwhelming. I could make several blog posts in a row breaking up events into chapter like sections.
Decisions...decisions... With technology the way it is nowadays everyone pretty much posts their feelings and daily activities via Facebook with little left to blog about. For me, blogging is about expressing myself above and beyond what I CAN and am WILLING to post on Facebook. It also draws me back to my high school days sitting in Study Hall writing stories. I had always dreamed of being a writer. I used to write short stories about epic battles taking place in far away places. It was an adventure for me. I read all the time and my creativity spawned this love for writing. The thing I love most was the fact that if you didn't like something, you could always come up with a way to change the situation around you i.e. the character. He's down on his luck and suddenly wins the lottery! Thats odd... he didn't even buy a ticket.. but thats okay.. it's a story.. and it's accepted.
Essentially, thats what blogging is for me. It's a way to be a little nostalgic and express my story telling abilities. I also use it for serious emotional escape as well. I tagged my blog as "Adult Content" just in case I would happen to fly off the handle and let the obscenities type their way into a blog or two.
Currently my life is in an upheaval. There is so much change going on that I could literally spend hours and pages explaining it all. So, I will try the short short version:
I've decided to dig up my roots and take flight on a new adventure. I'm taking a risk and leaving routine behind. It's time to make something for myself. Time to stop sitting stagnant and rotting. Why stay somewhere that slowly bleeds the life from you? That robs you from your dreams? Well at 25 years of age I've finally said "I have had enough!" Yeah it's a huge risk.. yeah I may fail.. but what if I succeed? Then it will all be worth it.
You never know unless you try...
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