Each day it seems that I keep asking myself "How are you not nervous?"
It never fails. Every time someone approaches me and questions the validity of rumors about my plans to relocate, I swell with excited energy as a wave of optimism and euphoria wash over me. I can't stop myself from describing every detail from the obvious daunting challenges, to the whimsical "wing it" attitude. As I lay out my plans or lack there of, I have my audience captivated and pulled in. As I close out my strategy, I am applauded with pride, well wishes, and slight sting of nostalgic regret. I cannot count the numerous times I've heard the phrase "Do it while you're young! ...I should have done it.."
It's phrases like that that empower me to push forward. The truth is, even though I have all of these optimistic, energetic, and hopeful feelings, doubt still lingers. But this is what it is to be human. I'm not a robot who is unable to experience fear. However, I believe that I am far more unafraid than I should be. Bottom line, I have no job, no housing, and no car. Any normal person would be stricken with fear. Why aren't I? Which brings us back, full circle.
All my life my father would always say "Do you have a plan?". Till no end he believes that having a plan and following through with said plan was the ultimate insurance policy. If you have it all planned out there is no room for guesswork or error, right? When it comes to planning, my father and my brother are polar opposites. My father is Captain Plans-o-lot where is my brother is Wing-it-extraordinaire. Ironically, both have been successful. I however, fall somewhere in between. I enjoy making a plan when possible but if not, then sometimes winging it can be thrilling. It's an adventure not knowing what will happen. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being in control of my environment and surroundings, but sometimes it's fun to let go and see what happens.
Here I am, making the biggest decision of my life and of all things, I'm winging it. Lets just say my dad isn't too happy about HOW I'm going about it. He loves the idea of me making something for myself but thinks I'm not being smart about it. Sometimes you just gotta let go and see what happens. It takes courage to let loose and do something life changing. I think it takes balls to do this, and not know how you're going to pull it off, though. haha.
I can see the day I leave. I can picture it. I can mentally run through the days in my head until I see the day I'm gone. This is what makes me nervous. Before, it was far away in the distance. A date set into the future that would one day be obtainable. All the time in the world. It was a jolting realization the other day when I thought it through and could literally map the calendar mentally. Holy crap... I only have 2 weeks left... and I have nothing to show for anything I've planned for so far...
So much nervous energy flowing through me all the time now. The what if's continually playing through my mind, a new topic every second. I feel as though I'm trying to thread a needle from 10 yards away using a slingshot. I have very little time allotted and such a massive to do list, it's mind boggling. But, for some damn reason I have this blanket of optimism that keeps sweeping over me and reminding me that I shall be alright. It's comforting and suspicious at the same time, a difficult feeling to properly convey accurately.
As usual, ranting is my strong suit. For this, I do not apologize, however. I will continue to work my ass off and get these goals accomplished. It's my belief that everything is going to come down to the last couple days and I will have to crank out one helluva miracle!
But, in the meantime, I will continue to brag and boast about my courageous ambitions. I will accept and become enveloped in the constant praise as it reinforces my decision.
And somewhere underneath it all, the fear lingers...I refuse to let it take hold. The only thing that can stop you, is you.
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